The handsy narcoleptic will plop down next to you on the bus and almost immediately fall asleep. The bus won’t even be full of passengers yet and they will be already be halfway through the sleep cycle, barreling towards REM sleep. And this is the way they will remain for almost the entire trip thereafter.

This would be a good thing except for the fact that the instant he/she falls asleep they begin to lose all control of their limbs. And so throughout the rest of the trip either (1) their head is resting on your shoulder, (2) one or more of their arms (and hands) is in your lap, or (3) there is alot of awkward knee-touching going on.  You know,  when their knee rests against your knee just a little too firmly, for just a little too long.

At first it won’t bother you. But after a few hours you will realize that this total stranger has logged more hours of touch on your body than all your high school sweethearts combined.  And did I mention that handsy narcoleptics typically aren’t what you might call ‘movie star material’. By which I mean they don’t look good enough for them to be touching you in semi-private places on a packed Greyhound bus.

We’ve all fantasized about doing something kinky on the Greyhound bus (yes, you have you liar!).  But my fantasies involved women that look like Nicki Minaj, not middle-aged men that look like they sweep up the parking lot after a Nicki Minaj concert.

If you are really fortunate you might get a handsy narcoleptic/sleep talker. So now not only do you have hands all over you, but you also get a little dirty talk. And weird moaning, loud snorting, and calling out for Mother. Basically, it’s your junior prom night all over again.

Soon you will resign yourself to the fact that your entire trip will be spent de-tangling your body from this person’s wandering limbs. And they will spend the entire trip waking up briefly, muttering an “I’m sorry” or a “my bad brother” and then falling right back to sleep. At which point the Limb Hordes are released upon you again.

At the end of your trip you will arrive at your destination battered, exhausted, and feeling violated. Your collar will have drool on it, your whole lower body will be sore, and your knees will resemble those of a $20 hooker on a Friday night.

The handsy narcoleptic, however, will arrive feeling well rested, totally free of all stress, and have the strangest urge to smoke a cigarette.

And they say you can’t make friends on Greyhound…..

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